> Don't be Intuit > Spend 20 years lobbying Congress so Americans can't file taxes for free > IRS Direct File finally dies, pop champagne, moat secured! > Perplexity drops an AI tax agent three weeks later that reads your W-2 for the price of a chatbot subscription > ChatGPT explains your 1099 better than the $209 "Deluxe" tier > Intuit response: open a physical TurboTax store in Soho! > Yes, a retail store...for tax software...in 2026 > Announce we'll pay for your Uber to come do taxes in person > CFO on earnings call: "customers buy confidence, not code" > Stock drops 20% during the call = most confident -20% you've ever seen > Five year low, congrats to everyone who bought the AI story at $700 > Strategy update: deliberately letting DIY customers leave > Translation: the ones who noticed "free" wasn't free > QuickBooks pivot: "usage-based pricing," aka the meter now runs while you cry > Mailchimp, purchased for $12B, currently held together with tape and apology emails > Flagship innovation: AI that finds deductions, then upsells you a human to check the AI > The human costs extra, the AI costs extra, the extra costs extra > Board response: raise prices, issue $1.75B in bonds, add "agentic" to every press release > Mention "AI" over 100 times during earnings call > Meanwhile, somewhere an accountant with a Claude subscription does your tax return in 15 minutes for $50