Handstands
@MissHandstands
Sometimes my A.D.D. makes me smarter. I will have zero recollection of ever having written this.
909 Following 1.9K Followers
Me: I was never concerned w/ death until I met u.
Hubby: aw why?
Me: You moving on & me having to haunt your new wife... it's all so sad
The @realDonaldTrump's Twitter feed is like reading a middle school bathroom wall.
I've decided it's best for everyone involved if I wait until I'm middle-aged before I give birth and subject of minor to my lifestyle.
The most empowering part of my day is immediately after my morning poop.
Dirty wife. Dirty life.
#mantra#
Pro tip: Never put your finger in her butt without asking. You never know if she has to poop.
My husband just told me my drunk personality is a mean standup comedian.
My work here is done.
That awkward moment when you pee in the shower and remember you're bathing...
I get my coffee without cream and then I masturbate in coffee shops. It makes no sense.
The design of the Apple Watch seems quite timeless.
FYI, squirting your wife with damage control shampoo during a fight just makes her more mad.
Pro tip:
Shake-to-undo: Popularized by the iPhone. Highly effective on pregnancies.
Most people go to church to feel better about themselves. I come to Twitter.
There are just as many people on their knees here.
Holy shit! Your baby's doing a Stevie Wonder impression!
Oh...support the head?
Burst Selfies: as if Twitter wasn't narcissistic enough.
#iphone6#
