An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow." The next day the man returned to the office and handed him the jar, which was as clean and empty as the day before. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then my left, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left—nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then the teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too—first with both hands, then an armpit, she even tried squeezin' it between her knees—but still nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open!"

I was offered sex today by a 26-year-old woman. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on my 𝕏 profile. Of course I declined because of my strong morals and willpower, which is just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner now available scented with lemon or vanilla.

Another sketchy ‘proof of life’ pic from Mitch. Hey doctors and nurses — what’s wrong with this photo? When did they start posting room numbers on the inside and hang charts on the side of the bed?