One thing I’ll never fully understand as a neurodivergent person is why work can’t just be for… working. Somehow everyone else turns the office into a social ecosystem, and I’m still trying to figure out why we’re discussing weekend plans in the middle of a spreadsheet.

Got hired at a "marketing company" in Roppongi. Seemed legit. Office, business cards, the works. Week 1: My job was to "analyze social media trends." Boss: Just browse Twitter and write reports. Me: That's it? Boss: That's it. Easiest job ever. Week 3: I realized I was the ONLY employee who came to the office. Me: Where is everyone? Boss: Remote work. Me: Can I work remote? Boss: No. You're essential on-site. Me: For browsing Twitter? Boss: Yes. Month 2: A guy in a suit came to the office. Looked around. Left. Boss: frantically calling me, DID HE ASK YOU ANYTHING? Me: Who? Boss: THE MAN IN THE SUIT! Me: No? He just looked around. Boss: If he comes back, you tell him you're very busy with important work. Me: ...okay? Month 3: Suit guy came back. With a briefcase. Him: What do you do here? Me: Social media analysis. Him: For what client? Me: Uh... realizing I don't know Him: writes in notebook Him: How long have you worked here? Me: Three months. Him: Have you been paid? Me: Yes? Him: Show me a paystub. I showed him. He photographed it. Him: Thank you. leaves I called my boss. Me: WHO WAS THAT? Boss: Nobody! Don't worry about it! Month 4: The office was raided. Police: walking in, Everyone out! Me: What's happening?! Police: This is a fake company. Money laundering front. Me: WHAT?! Police: How long have you worked here? Me: Four months! Police: Doing what? Me: Browsing Twitter! Police: writing, "Unwitting accomplice." Me: ACCOMPLICE?! Turns out my "salary" was laundered money. My boss was washing ¥40 million through fake payroll. I was Employee #7# out of 30 "ghost employees." Except I wasn't a ghost. I actually showed up. Police: Why did you come to the office if it was fake? Me: I THOUGHT IT WAS REAL! Police: For four months you didn't question getting paid to browse Twitter? Me: I thought I was LUCKY! Month 5: I had to testify in court. Prosecutor: Describe your daily duties. Me: I sat in an empty office and scrolled Twitter for 8 hours. Prosecutor: And you were paid ¥300,000 per month for this? Me: Yes. Prosecutor: And you thought this was legitimate work? Me: I'M A FOREIGNER, I DON'T KNOW JAPANESE WORK CULTURE! Judge: trying not to laugh My boss got 3 years in prison. I got my testimony fee: ¥8,000. Present day: I now work at an actual marketing company. They make me do REAL work. I miss my fake job every single day.

I get asked for my # out in the wild a lot, and I provide it sometimes. But they have to score 100% on a little test, typically involving three questions, in order to have conversation. Another one did not pass the test: ❌

I was just remembering the time I was loading some shelves into my car at IKEA. A man waiting at the stall next to me steps over and says, “Let me help you with that,” as he lifts one of the boxes into my trunk. I thanked him and he said, “Of course, what kind of man would I be if I didn’t help a pregnant woman with heavy boxes.” I laughed and said, “Well I appreciate the help, but I’m not pregnant.” The man’s face drops and he looked absolutely mortified.

when i was drunk i would buy sandwiches at 7/11 and give them to unhoused people and as soon as i got sober i started sleeping with an engaged woman so getting sober doesn’t have to make you a better person some times you can actually be worse